on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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