And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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