What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
