I just cut my nipple shaving
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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