She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
