He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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