I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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