My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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