cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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