I feel like I'm in dance class right now
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
