remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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