Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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