rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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