just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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