dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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