idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
