I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
