Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
