I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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