So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
