I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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