Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
