Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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