Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
