He uses pillows to masturbate.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
