You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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