i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
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Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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