so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
