Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
