I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
