He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
