Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
