I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
