4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I think I died a long time ago.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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