just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
