Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
