I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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