Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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