The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
