I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
