At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
