GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
