Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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