Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
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MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
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I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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