True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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