Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
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So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
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I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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