your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
