What a fucking waste of an outfit
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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