The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
