I accidentally had phone sex last night
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
