hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
