I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
