it wasn't lemon gatorade
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
