I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
