if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
