So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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