So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
