were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
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When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize