im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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