And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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