nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so let's talk penis.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
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I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
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Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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